Atomic Sunrise
The horizon was a-boil with the pink rising sun:
A bed of gold satin in Helios' wake.
Enjoy the alba, child,
As it portends of things to come,
Things that end,
Things like love.
Remember the world that dazzled?
The world that sung?
But all he could do was say goodbye,
"Shouldn't you?" he cried
Head in hand,
Soul in pieces
Melting like clouds on gorgeous mornings.
Darling, pull the shades down
I'm not ready for the truth -
It's a brightly-blinding, harsh beauty
No, I want to stay with you.
She told him he was worth it,
She liked to tell him things she knew
Boy, you're caked in dirt and lies,
I know
I see it in your hesitation
Haven't you been listening?
The edges of my dreams are burning,
Fringing black in full esteem;
They can't take this heat and pressure,
This burst of light,
This honesty.
And they clung to one another
It was all they dared to do.
He told her he was sorry,
He liked to tell her things he knew.
"Why are you lingering with nightmares?
Coal chalk claws holding your song -
You never looked right draped in shadows,
Though the stars shine in your eyes,
And the moon rests in your heart
No, your light is silken silver,
But it's dimming in this dark."
So he pushed her through the window
Then shattered with the glass,
The last gift that he could give her
Before turning to ash.
Yes, she's a brightly-blinding, harsh beauty
Block your eyes and kiss the sky,
Radiate imploding bliss
To your lips,
To your lungs...
She just might live through all of it.
~ K. Bratager
Prettyflour here from
I have to start by saying that I very much enjoyed this poem. At first glance, the formatting was interesting- it made reading it easy; between that and the punctuation, it accentuated where to pause and it gave the poem a emotion feel that I feel many poems lack. Good call!
I was absolutely hooked after reading:
"Shouldn't you?" he cried-
Head in hand,
Soul in pieces
Melting like clouds on a gorgeous mornings.
Those lines conveyed a desperation that really set the tone and drew me in. And the way you followed up with:
Darling, pull the shades down
I'm not ready for the truth -
It's a brightly-blinding, harsh beauty…
No, I want to stay with you.
Just wonderful!
I love the contradiction of brightly-blinding, harsh beauty. That is so apt!
I was a tad confused at the line: Fringing black and full esteem
I thought esteem was an odd word choice and I didn't quite understand it in this context. Also, I was surprised to see that this was listed as Songs & Lyrics...It struck me as more of concrete poetry or free verse. BUT overall, I was
impressed with this poem. It made me want to read more of your work.
I hope this was helpful!
So this work left me in puzzled thoughts. The theme left me wondering what happened. So let me start a bit more slowly.
The beginning was surprisingly well written and it pulled me towards it. The expressions that this work started with were subtle and well worded so I enjoyed that perspective of the start as well. But then as the work proceeded... it started losing its charm. A few things that might be the reason why. I felt at times that a dialogue was being introduced and that it was no longer the main narrator of the poem speaking but there were no quotation marks. If it was still the narrator... then I have to say that the tone varied continuously for me.
Then there is the slight... ambiguity in the role that should have been cleared near the ending but sadly didn't. This might be the case with me and perhaps other people understood it. An example would be:
"Shouldn't you?" he cried –
This is a point where I read this again and again but I felt that the words could have been chosen more widely. After this point it started losing its feel. The "darling" a few lines later left me wondering who was talking about who... who is not ready for the truth... and well after that it was hard to keep the pieces together.
Correct me if I am wrong anywhere and I would like you to elaborate more on the piece so that I could see what you intended. I hope my ratings don't come out too harsh but I didn't really understand much. I hope this helps and thank you for submitting.
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