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Atomic Sunrise

The horizon was a-boil with the pink rising sun:

                  A bed of gold satin in Helios' wake.

   Enjoy the alba, child,

           As it portends of things to come,

                                       Things that end,

                                       Things like love.

Remember the world that dazzled?

                  The world that sung?

   But all he could do was say goodbye,

       "Shouldn't you?" he cried –

                            Head in hand,

                                 Soul in pieces

               Melting like clouds on gorgeous mornings.

Darling, pull the shades down

      I'm not ready for the truth -

              It's a brightly-blinding, harsh beauty…

              No, I want to stay with you.

She told him he was worth it,

        She liked to tell him things she knew

             Boy, you're caked in dirt and lies,

                                                         I know –

                                       I see it in your hesitation

              Haven't you been listening?

                  The edges of my dreams are burning,

                       Fringing black in full esteem;

                   They can't take this heat and pressure,

                                             This burst of light,

                                             This honesty.

And they clung to one another –

           It was all they dared to do.

     He told her he was sorry,

          He liked to tell her things he knew.

               "Why are you lingering with nightmares?

                            Coal chalk claws holding your song -

                 You never looked right draped in shadows,

                            Though the stars shine in your eyes,

                                      And the moon rests in your heart –

                              No, your light is silken silver,

                                  But it's dimming in this dark."

         So he pushed her through the window

                 Then shattered with the glass,

                      The last gift that he could give her

                             Before turning to ash.

Yes, she's a brightly-blinding, harsh beauty –

          Block your eyes and kiss the sky,

                     Radiate imploding bliss

                                           To your lips,

                                           To your lungs...

                       She just might live through all of it.

~ K. Bratager
Entry for :iconword-smiths:'s paid poetry contest, "Colors" :) --->[link]

Y'all know how I love sunrises (and sunsets...and clouds)...I have plenty of stuff with colors all over the lines, but this contest is specifically wanting something new, and as I tend to always jump on posting anything I write right away, something new has to So, driving home from work in the morning...thinking of personal things...and enjoying the colors. Yup.

Go submit for yourself! Enjoy other submissions...and comment on my stuff, because I love hearing what people think, whatever they think B-)
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Hello! I am from :iconpoeticalcondition: with my critique on your work. If you had submitted quite some time ago, I would apologize for the delay since the critique folder just recently opened officially.

So this work left me in puzzled thoughts. The theme left me wondering what happened. So let me start a bit more slowly.

The beginning was surprisingly well written and it pulled me towards it. The expressions that this work started with were subtle and well worded so I enjoyed that perspective of the start as well. But then as the work proceeded... it started losing its charm. A few things that might be the reason why. I felt at times that a dialogue was being introduced and that it was no longer the main narrator of the poem speaking but there were no quotation marks. If it was still the narrator... then I have to say that the tone varied continuously for me.

Then there is the slight... ambiguity in the role that should have been cleared near the ending but sadly didn't. This might be the case with me and perhaps other people understood it. An example would be:

"Shouldn't you?" he cried –

This is a point where I read this again and again but I felt that the words could have been chosen more widely. After this point it started losing its feel. The "darling" a few lines later left me wondering who was talking about who... who is not ready for the truth... and well after that it was hard to keep the pieces together.

Correct me if I am wrong anywhere and I would like you to elaborate more on the piece so that I could see what you intended. I hope my ratings don't come out too harsh but I didn't really understand much. I hope this helps and thank you for submitting.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

Hey there,

Prettyflour here from :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

I have to start by saying that I very much enjoyed this poem. At first glance, the formatting was interesting- it made reading it easy; between that and the punctuation, it accentuated where to pause and it gave the poem a emotion feel that I feel many poems lack. Good call!

I was absolutely hooked after reading:

"Shouldn't you?" he cried-
Head in hand,
Soul in pieces
Melting like clouds on a gorgeous mornings.

Those lines conveyed a desperation that really set the tone and drew me in. And the way you followed up with:

Darling, pull the shades down

I'm not ready for the truth -

It's a brightly-blinding, harsh beauty…

No, I want to stay with you.

Just wonderful!

I love the contradiction of brightly-blinding, harsh beauty. That is so apt!

I was a tad confused at the line: Fringing black and full esteem
I thought esteem was an odd word choice and I didn't quite understand it in this context. Also, I was surprised to see that this was listed as Songs & Lyrics...It struck me as more of concrete poetry or free verse. BUT overall, I was
impressed with this poem. It made me want to read more of your work.

I hope this was helpful!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I on behalf of #PoeticalCondition am writing this critique:

Vision and Originality and Impact - 5/5

The story was well written, though the ending was abstract and I didn't get it, to be honest... scratch that, I got it and I regret, the glass shattering felt a lot like home. I found vibes of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind after I was done reading it... And then some of my own writing's themes shimmering through... this is definitely going to remain in my mind for a while...

Technique - 4.5/5

I'm not usually a fan of free verse, but I condone it for its artistic allowance of giving dabs of light to what's going through the artist's mind. Here, it is very well used. Well done.

my personal favorite was:

So he pushed her through the window

Then shattered with the glass,

The last gift that he could give her

Before turning to ash.

Gives a whole new meaning to waking up... that's hauntingly stark... but gives a brevity to a work that is going to linger in my head for a really long while...
kamisch42 Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Fantastic! Thank you :hug:

I do love that movie...well, I loved it the one time I saw it. I should probably watch it again to see what vibes you mean, but I take it as a compliment! As for the glass...I just couldn't leave it there :( Because it was an abrupt awakening, but it was all for the better, so she can be happy again. Heh...I'd had enough depression, I wanted a happy ending :blush: Glad you found it sticky! I like to cling to brains like an irritating pop song like that ;P So it totally just made my night. Xie xie.
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
lol fair enough. :) Keep writing.
timeraider Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I love the melody of this piece - the subtle rhymes, the left-to-right shifts, the way the lines are broken. The first six lines pulled me in completely. Gorgeous work.
kamisch42 Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Aw, thank you so much! :glomp: Heh...some people get irritated by the way I format my lines, moving all over like that. But I just...I get bored when everything's squared to one side, it makes it seem like there's something missing. I try to align them the way they connect in my head, grouped by ideas. Does that make sense? I'm glad someone approves! And I'm glad you enjoyed it :D
:heart: ~ K
timeraider Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well, it's not a technique I can recall employing often, or always enjoying, but with this piece especially, it works. Rather than feeling like chaos, it felt like... ideas chasing one another.

And I most certainly enjoyed it. I am glad you shared it with us.
kamisch42 Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hmmm...ideas chasing eachother - exactly! :D Thanks! :hug:
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October 16, 2012
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