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January 7, 2013
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I See Your Deflecting

I'm hungry,
      Hungry -  
   And what are you?
             You're just there watching,
                                             Scowling,
                                               Judging.
     Come here to my arms,
                    They're open,
          Come into my heart.
See my life exploding with you in it
                        Like the stars about to start.
 And maybe I'm just naïve,
        Hanging,
             Dangling
             From the lines of lies that you keep dripping –
Why am I so full of compromise?
                                For you, love,
                                For you only,
                         Will this logic crack and crash and keep me guessing,
                                                  Doubting everything about myself,
                                                                                        About you and us –
                                                            Still…no regrets.
Once I saw unicorns there in your eyes.
                 Have they gone or am I blind?
                             Or are you blind?  
            So, we're both blind.
                                 It doesn't really matter,
                                             It's too late now,
                 Our lives entwined in conversations sweetly heated,
                                They'll chase you down,
                                            Haunting,
                                                       Panting,
                                                                 Howling
                                                                                          If you run.
                                                         Will you run?
                        I can't say that it'd surprise me.
Still I'll hold faith by the trigger,
                                    Will it to shudder,
                                                                        Surrender.
Famished, terrorized and seething,
                 I'll wait for you,
                       Sit here for you.
                                  And your rolling eyes -
                                         Just there, scowling,
                                                               Judging
                                                            Watching.
                                           Feel me trembling anxious,
                                                                              All…aquiver.
I just found this in my documents folder at work :wow: It says I wrote it in November 2011...interesting. I must've been in...quite a mood. Obviously before Llew & I actually finally broke up, while the weather was still fluctuating. Must've known something big was coming!

So, there's a hint to what I was thinking while writing. Now a few questions inspired by :iconthewrittenrevolution:.

After reading this again, for what felt like the first time, I wasn't sure if it the lines, "Watching, Scowling, Judging," would be better if I kept them in the same order when repeating them, or opposite order, or just rotated one, the way I kept it: "Scowling, Judging, watching."

Any preference?

As always, I also love to hear what you thought of the "character"...been there/done that? Can you feel any empathy? Or does it just leave you thinking, "WTH?"

Xie xie!

~ K
:iconabunai59:
Hello, I'd like to offer my critique on your poem. I am a free-verse writer myself, so I'll try to offer some tips in the free verse perspective...
I am writing this critique for :iconthewrittenrevolution:
Therefore, I will be a little more critical than usual in my review of your poetry.

First of all, that there were a few factors having to do with your technique that hindered my ability to enjoy this poem for what it's worth. I'll begin by discussing these so I can get them out of the way...

I got the feeling that this was a long poem. You may be thinking "So what if it was long; it's okay for poems to be long," and you'd be right. It's completely fine for a poem to even be many, many more lines than your poem. However, what made it feel long was the lack of space between the... well, I couldn't really tell since there were no blank or skipped lines.

When I read or review free verse poetry, I tend to take into account the poet's use of white space. Horizontally, You've made great use of it. Vertically, however, the lack of empty lines indicates that I need to keep reading without taking a break - that it's important for me to read more in order to get the full idea of the section (which is the entire poem, in this case). If you end a line with text far to the right, it doesn't mean the section is over if you simply decrease the indent on the next line.

Basically, it exhausts my energy and momentum. If you give your readers an empty space, particularly with a skipped line, it gives them time to rest, catch their breath and piece together everything you just said. This is of high importance when you want to write a poem that is not just a few lines.

Next, there is the issue of capitalizing the first word of every line. I see this all the time and personally, I feel like it is a waste to write free verse poetry this way; it's just not useful when you're not writing in fixed form because it doesn't add anything. If it's important to your poem and you feel like it will enhance the meaning or theme, then by all means, go ahead and use capitalization. Otherwise, it's probably best not to. Of course, you may believe otherwise; I'm making suggestions, but it's not my desire to tell you what to do.

And with that, I'll turn an eye to the less technical details...

To answer your question about the order of the repeated "watching, scowling, judging." There isn't really anything in between the two instances that would cause a significant change in the meaning when you reverse the order, though reversing them at the end does somewhat show that you're bringing the poem to a close, reversing what you said at the beginning.

Unfortunately, it's not really a 'power' statement (one that stands out from the rest of the poem), so it doesn't really carry over to the end as repetition. In fact, the first time I read the poem, I didn't even realize the phrase was repeated. Repeating less important elements is sometimes good to do, but it's more powerful at shorter intervals.

As for your remaining questions...

Again, I would've liked more space separating the ideas so that I could think about them more, but I'll try my best to figure out where they are...

Here's what I got while reading:
---
I'm not sure what you meant by hungry.
You should try to specify whether it's physical or emotional hunger.

You have the excitement of taking in a 'lone wolf'.
You feel the pain of lying to yourself, and falsely believing his lies, but you can bear it, for him.

You know you saw good in him before, though it seems gone now, but that's not important now that you're together.

I'm still confused about what exactly is chasing him down, but you know he's a coward.

And then, there you are, waiting for the storm to hit.
---

I could relate to the character, but the poem was a little confusing. If you took away the explanation in the deviation info, I wouldn't have understood what was going on in the last 'section,' from "Famished, ..." to the end. If you want the poem to function on its own, it would help to include a little more detail about what was literally going on since the situation is important to the poem. Otherwise, people might get the "WTH?" reaction you asked about for your critiques.


I apologize, as this was a fairly lengthy critique, but I really wanted to cover as much as I could. To reiterate, feel free to let go of the line capitalization, and experiment more with white space.

I really hope that my critique will help you improve as a poet, and increase your interest and ability in free form poetry!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

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